The Beginner's Guide to Being a Bad Guy
by The Two Musketeers
Summary: A guide on how to move from Minion to Master, with forewords in every chapter written by well known Dark Lords or minions. Composed by E. Vil and M. N. Iacal.
1. Getting Motivated

Disclaimer: We do not own anything.

Chapter One: Getting Motivated (Forward by Lord Sauron)

At one point in everyone's lives, they want to do something considered 'bad.' (i.e. kill, mutilate, etc.) Getting enough of this 'badness' is what every good Dark Lord (or Lady) needs to live a long successful life. This brings us to the point of motivation. Without motivation, you can't be evil. End of story. Of course, there are what heroes call 'Shades of Gray' (do not confuse with Gandalf the Gray), but they are totally useless. They don't know what's right or wrong. NEVER trust a 'Shade of Gray.' It will be the last thing you ever do.

But back to the point. Most likely you are now a minion of a powerful evildoer. This is the recommended way to become a Dark Lord. It is _much_ harder to become a villain when starting from scratch. If that is you, I admire your determination. But most are minions. The first step is to move higher up in ranking. Right-hand-man is the place to be if you're going to stage a take-over. I was _my_ master's right-hand-man, and I was all set to overthrow him. But then the Valar did the job for me. Wasn't that nice of them? (Then again, they overthrew me too. But I lived. Ah well, one way or another, right?)

Now that you have ousted your former master, you can get on with being an evil, sadistic ruler. All in a day's work. To maintain this high and lofty place you have gotten yourself into, you must have complete and utter devotion to your work. No "it's the right thing to do's" or " for the good of the community's," now! You must be _committed_! That said, I wish you the best of luck in your quest.

—Lord Sauron

Getting motivated is the most important part of your career. If you aren't motivated properly from the beginning, you _will _have second thoughts later on—and by that time, you'll be too deep into your plans for world / galactic domination to stop. You need to be completely dedicated to what you are about to do. You need to be prepared to drop _everything _else in your life—family, friends, reputation, Little League, etc. And the reason of your motivation is just as important, if not more so.

A classic example of motivation catastrophe is Anakin Skywalker, or Darth Vader. Anakin was a good guy, and an annoying one, too. He became evil—or, as the Jedi and Sith call it, turned to the Dark Side—because he wanted to save the woman he l--ed (The L-O-V-E word, from here on referred to as the L-Word, and any tenses of it, are forbidden in this book, as they can have serious negative effects on many Masters of Evil). This is the _worst possible reason _to turn bad. It is almost guaranteed that the person you l--- probably end up dead or estranged—maybe even by your own hand (see Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader and Erik/Phantom of the Opera). Although at first this will have positive effects, such as blaming the Good Guys, hatred, anger, blood-lust, wishes of revenge, etc. But in the long run it is _extremely_ harmful. You will not only begin to regret acts of evil, but you may show some _kindness_, which is obviously a terrible sign. Not only that, but you _may actually become a Good Guy, or at least be know as someone who was 'misunderstood.' You will be pitied, and/or admired _(see Darth Vader and Erik / the Phantom of the Opera).

We all hate and despise emotions such as pity, mercy, kindness, l---, courage, responsibility, nobility, etc., but you may see these emotions coming out in yourself if you are motivated for the wrong reasons. For your sakes, we have compiled lists of 'Do's and Don'ts' about motivation, along with some examples of famous Dark Lords or minions.

**Don't** Turn Bad Because Of:

Wanting to save a l--ed one (Anakin Skywalker / Darth Vader)

Someone forced you to (Draco Malfoy)

Guilt (Admiral Piett)

**Do** Turn Bad Because Of:

Not being appreciated (Anakin Skywalker / Darth Vader)

Being downtrodden (The little-known Orc Rebellion, Erik / The Phantom)

Revenge (Any villain you can name. Seriously.)

Power / Money (Saruman)

So to sum up this chapter: emotions generally associated with evil, suffering, and cruelty are good. Emotions generally associated with Good Guys are no-no's. As we always say, stay bad, and you won't be sad.


	2. Your Evil Laugh and Grin

Disclaimer: We do not own Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Phantom of the Opera, Star Wars, etc. We do not own anything.

Chapter Two: Your Evil Laugh and Grin (Foreword by the Witch King)

It was during my long stay in Angmar when I first developed an evil laugh. I remember it well:

I was walking alone in one of the many dark, moldy, and slightly foreboding hallways, deciding how much to hurt Khamul for starting our annual meeting without me. Suddenly I saw movement out of the corner of my eye.

Instantly, I spun round to see what creature _dared_ disturb the King of Angmar. The creature, as it turned out, was a rabbit. A very skinny rabbit, with dusty grey fur, and large pointed ears. (I learned later that it was part of an "'experiment' by one of the orcs involving a cave troll, said rabbit, a warg, and a fell-beast. I did not enquire further.)

My first reaction was shock. _Why _was there a _rabbit_ inside what was known to be the most evil place in Arda? Rabbits were generally known to be soft, cute animals. The inside of Angmar—nay, everywhere in Angmar and anything associated with it-- is _not_ soft and cute!

My second reaction was anger. This is supposed to be a fortress! What kind of fortress is infiltrated by rabbits? Who oversaw the building of this thing, anyways? Oh, yes. Well, who _designed _it then? Oh, yes.

I was going to have a word with the guards. A word involving the blade end of my sword. They would _regret_ the day they let a rabbit slip past them!

I then had a brain wave. Why not try to _catch _the little bugger? Then nobody else would know that Angmar had been invaded by hopping animals! It seemed like a brilliant idea at the time. If I only had known how wrong I was.

So, I lunged forward at the thing. The rabbit, upon learning that a Wraith Lord was out for its blood, shot down the hallway like an arrow, with me sprinting after it. _Not_ the most flattering picture.

I blame the rest on Khamul. It was _his_ fault that I was irate. It was _his_ fault my mind was not working properly.

One of my brethren, Ji Indur to be exact, was turning a corner that led into the section of hallway I currently occupied. The rabbit, seeing this new obstacle, swiftly leapt to the side of the hallway and continued its harrowing journey through the passages and corridors of Angmar. I, not blessed with its nimbleness, careened headlong into a very surprised Wraith.

This whole spectacle was witnessed by Akhorahil, Ren, and Adunaphel, who subsequently burst out laughing.

In my panicked mind, only one thing registered. The sound of laughter. Ren's laugh was rather nasally, Akhorahil had a deep, bass voice, though he had a habit of hiccupping whenever he drew breath, and Adunaphel gave out a variety of snorts, which went up and down the musical scale.

In an attempt to regain whatever dignity I had left, I drew myself up, straightened my robes and declared that we all needed laughing lessons.

There was a moment of complete silence, and then they all started up again. Even Ji-Indur, who had apparently recovered from being flattened, joined in.

I lost it then. "SILENCE!" I shrieked, attempting to drag enough poise into the command to save myself from another laughing incident.

They stopped. No one dared oppose the Lord of the Nazgul when he was angry.

"This is an embarrassment!" I cried. "From now on we will _practice_ our laughing, so when in public, we will not humiliate ourselves with such senseless… snorts."

I noted with alarm that they were barely holding it in now. Quickly, before I lost them completely, I went on to say, "We will begin on the morrow. Any questions?"

None of them answered. Which was just as well. I could tell if they opened their mouths they would lose control.

"Good. Tell Khamul, Dwar, Hoarmurath, And Uvatha. We will start at sunset," I finished grandly. And before any of them could say a word, I swept out of the hall.

To tell the truth, the lessons were not a great success. We all eventually developed, good—or is it bad?--, evil-sounding laughs, but the road there was rather bumpy. We probably scared many an orc who heard us.

As for the rabbit, I do not know what became of it. The first predatory creature it came across probably ate it.

And good riddance.

— The Witch-King of Angmar

Your evil laugh and grin are very important. While they are not necessary in a villain—and sometimes, you can be more intimidating without one (see Darth Vader)—if you really want one, then you need to do it properly. There is nothing more embarrassing than having a bad evil laugh. You simply cannot keep your dignity after producing a spectacular cackle in front of a victim, and then hiccupping.

Other humiliations include your voice breaking, giggles, snorts, drool, losing control of your laugh so you can't stop, gasping for breath, etc. You can avoid all of this, however, by reading this chapter.

Many villains make the mistake of thinking that if you have the laugh, you have everything. This is wrong. Use of the face is one of the most important things—you can have a perfect laugh, but if your eyes do not glow with insanity, if brow does not darken and / or furrow, if your eyebrows do not come together, then the laugh will be completely ineffective.

You should practice in front of the mirror to ensure that none of the aforementioned humiliating circumstances occur, and that you have all the facial expression you need.

However, if you are caught practicing in front of the mirror, your reputation will be ruined. The best solution is to kill anyone who finds you. This will not only send a clear message to others to not come into your chambers / lair unannounced, but it will obviously silence the intruder. Do _not _torture the intruder. This will make them resentful, and they will be even more likely to tell your little secret.

Do not hesitate to kill your right-hand man / woman. They are obviously not worthy of that title if they burst into your chambers / lair without warning. And if you kill them, don't worry. _No one _is indispensable. Darth Maul was replaced by Darth Tyrannus, Darth Tyrannus was replaced by Darth Vader, Lucius Malfoy was replaced by Bellatrix Lestrange, and Bellatrix Lestrange was pushed aside. There are thousands of examples. In fact, you should not even _have_ a right-hand man / woman. You will come to depend on him / her, and when they die (and die they will), you don't want to be left helpless (for more information on the subject on minions, wait a few more chapters).

But back to the laugh. Practicing in front of the mirror, while it can be hazardous, is usually the best thing to do. Your evil grin is much more practical—it makes no noise, and therefore you cannot be overheard.

The pitch of your laugh is also important. Lord Voldemort's laugh is a good example of what not to do— although cold is definitely the way to go, high is not. You cannot intimidate anyone but a Muppet with a high laugh. Deep, cold, threatening, ominous, foreboding, triumphant, etc. is the laugh you want.

But don't underestimate the grin. You will use it much more than the evil laugh, and therefore it must be perfected. Everyone will see it—your minions, your victims, your enemies, your arch-enemy, etc. It needs to be perfect. Therefore, try not to eat foods that will stick in your teeth (which, for a full effect, should be pointed; see Dracula).

There is nothing more humiliating that finding out after a long day of grinning that you have an enormous piece of apple stuck between your teeth. Not only is it messy, but you should not be even _eating _apples. Apples are not an evil food (see the chapter on Your Evil Diet).

So make sure, after each meal, that you have nothing in your teeth. If you are unfortunate enough to have braces, you can a) force your orthodontist take them off and then torture him / her to insanity, b) not ever open your mouth, or c) wear a mask (see Darth Vader).

Your evil laugh and grin will probably accompany each other. You need to find the best way to merge them. You cannot simply grin and then laugh—there needs to be something in between. In a torturing-a-victim scenario, the best thing to due is to grin, say the curse / activate the torture device / order the torturer to begin, and then, as soon as the torturing has begun, laugh. In a sharing-an-evil-moment-with-minions scenario, the best thing to do is grin, say a witty comment / insult / threat regarding a) an enemy who is being fooled or is being foolish (see Cornelius Fudge), b) the person you just killed / tortured, c) the person you are about to kill / torture, or d) your enemy / arch-enemy, and then laugh evilly.

Make sure your minions laugh too—if they don't, torture, threaten, or kill them (it is best to share your evil moment(s) with only a select few minions). In a celebrating-a-huge-victory scenario, the best thing to do is grin, point to the dead body / bodies, and laugh.

Again, you do not _need_ to have an evil laugh. However, an evil grin is essential, unless you wear a mask. If you wear a hood that covers the upper half of your face(see Darth Sidious / Emperor Palpatine), a grin is doubly important because it is the only thing people are looking at, and, other than your voice / laugh / weapons / threats, is the only thing you have to make an impression on them. But if you do laugh, laugh correctly, or forever feel the shame.


	3. Recruiting Your Minions

Disclaimer: We own nothing.

**Lord Tarran:**

_Natalie: _Hmmm… I think we'll use Jafar either for the chapter on mascots (that parrot is so awesome) or spying (he had that huge set-up just to see where the heck Aladdin was) or intimidating voice (especially when he says 'The Diamond in the Rough'). Thanks for the compliments and suggestions!

_Sarah_: Jafar is a good idea. Lots of people know the Disney characters  
so we won't have problems with people being confused. I'm the forward  
writer, so I'm gonna have to get in character! I need to watch the movie again…

**Time Twist:**

_Natalie: _I searched for the Evil Overlord's Handbook, but I couldn't find it. Could you send me the URL? It sounds very funny… and Sarah and I have already agreed to have Cruella DeVille write the foreword for the chapter on 'Your Evil Wardrobe.' I mean, she _skins puppies_ to make fur coats. You can't have a wardrobe more evil than that. Unfortunately, I haven't heard of Battlestar Galactica, although it sounds vaguely familiar. Same with Babylon 5. –looks guilty- However, I did see my first two Star Trek episodes a few days ago (Spock is so cool!), so we'll probably be mentioning the Klingons...

_Sarah:_ Sorry I don't know either of those. But we'll definitely do  
Cruella DeVille. I'm gonna have fun writing her character... -evil  
laugh-

Chapter Three: Recruiting Your Minions (Forward by Lord Voldemort)   


I have been asked to discuss the topic of finding minions. It has been brought to my attention (from a very reliable source) that it has been stated that I don't "go knocking on people's doors, handing out flyers.

He does things quietly. Blackmail, threats, bribes, promises of power..." Through the utter crudeness of this remark, we can decipher the delicate truth on which it was based.

_If_ I was "handing out flyers," _where_ would that have gotten me? Straight into Azkaban, before you could yell _Avada Kedavra!_ That would have done me no good at all. I'd have to escape from the prison, get myself established and start all over again with gather followers. By that time I would be so old there wouldn't be much point anyway.

The real way to get dedicated followers is to start out young. That's what I did, and so far hardly any have turned on me. Of course, the ones who did didn't get very far, but as it is said; it's the thought that counts.

Look for the ones who are unhappy with the current situation of their world. Offer to change it, to make it better, to give them the _power_ to make it better (the key word here is power). They will be at your side in an instant.

Once one has infected, or _persuaded_ the mind of a future minion, one must keep them on your side. If you hurt them too much, or be too demanding, they might just betray you to your enemy. This balance is a fine art, and it is very unlikely that you get it right the first time. Don't be discouraged. Eventually you will hit gold.

Another point. _Don't call them minions!_ This will farther distance them from you and possibly breed resentment. A 'follower' is a good term to use (of course, when among the high class company of other Dark Lords, feel free to call them fools, minions, vulgar little pimples, etc.).

Keep them in check. A minion, or _follower_, must be watched at all times. If you are to be gone a long period of time, make sure that someone you can trust to do the job will keep them in order. You do not want to come back to your lair to discover that your minions have staged an uprising. I enjoy putting Bellatrix in this position. She would never _dream_ to try and overthrow me.

As I have said, do not distance yourself too much from your _followers, _or get too attached to them either. A minion is a tool, a very unreliable and dangerous tool, but also a very powerful one. Use them well.

-- Lord Voldemort

This will be one of the most delicate operations of your career. If you are found recruiting minions for evil purposes, your plans we be destroyed

before they have been set into motion. 

This is not the only danger. You might choose a minion that is a spy or a particularly stupid or defective one (see Crabbe and Goyle). You might

choose a minion that has plots of his own a dangerous thing (see Lucius Malfoy). That minion will one day try to overthrow you. If this happens,

you must kill that minion immediately, even if he/she is your right-hand-man / woman. Again, as we have said in a previous chapter, _you should not have a right-hand man / woman._ He / she will bring nothing

but trouble.

So, choosing the proper minions is very important. You need to choose minions that are easy to control, but not so will-less that they will not

know what to do in battle, or, worse, will try to run from battle (see

Stormtroopers and Orcs). But this kind of minion is almost impossible  
to find. Take a minion too smart, and he / she will try to overthrow you. Take a minion too stupid, and without your guidance they won't know

what to do. The best way to go is intelligent, but fanatically faithful (see

Bellatrix Lestrange). That way, they can think for themselves, but would never in a thousand years of darkness and torture even _dream_ of

betraying you.

But don't to counting your torture machines before they're built. You

need to find a place to get minions before you become picky. If you

know of any 'shady places', go there. Become a regular visitor. Observe / watch / stalk people, and make sure that you know what peoples'

answers will be _before_ you ask. You must be absolutely sure that they

will be on your side. Otherwise, they may a) tell your enemies of your

plans, or b) plan to stop / betray / kill you.

If you don't know of a 'shady place' to go, you need to watch people who are discontent with their place in the world / galaxy / dimension.

Watch for people who feel that they are downtrodden or under-appreciated (see Anakin Skywalker). Don't be afraid to look in unlikely

places. Discontents may include government workers who hate the

President / Prime Minister/ Grand Moff / Supreme Overlord of Ultimate

Power / etc., or an atheist minister, or a Little League coach who hates

the snotty-nosed children he is forced to work with every hour of every

day of every week, just to lose EVERY GAME TO EVERY TEAM, ALL OF WHICH ARE UNDEFEATED NO MATTER HOW MANY OF THEM THERE

ARE, AND-- (see the chapter 'How To Monologue').

In short, discontents are everywhere. You just have to discreetly exploit

them (see forward by Lord Voldemort). 'Discreetly' is the key word here.

Good techniques include blackmail, threats, bribes, promises of power,

etc. But don't use these techniques too much-- any minions who are

just in it for the power (as opposed to the killing, torture, etc.) will

become discontent quickly. And if they are smart enough, they will

betray you.

If you're a real loner, you can attempt to get by without your

minions. This is _not_ a good solution. You'll have no one to do your

dirty work, no one to run errands, no one to help you conquer the world. Remember, not only was Angmar not built in a day, but it was also

not built by one person. Minions ARE a necessity.

**Quote of the Day:**

"We shall recruit the pigeons to join us in our hellish crusade! But only the ones with pink eyes."

Lord Voldemort¹

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

¹GOF, first draft

Natalie Note: Hehehehe… sorry about that Quote of the Day, but I couldn't resist…


	4. Training Your Minions

Disclaimer: We own nothing.

Chapter Four: Training Your Minions (Foreword by Admiral Firmus Piett)

I would have to say that the Strormtroopers of the Empire are not minions. According to the Official Galactic Dictionary, the term "minion" means: a servile or slavish follower of someone generally regarded as important. Yes the Emperor is important, and yes the troopers follow him, but not as _followers_, as _soldiers_.

Almost every intelligent species in the known galaxy has heard about our Stormtroopers. If a large group of people were to be seen to be wearing white armor, and having the combined IQs of a pitchfork, then everyone would be able to identify them as a Stormtroopers.

The Imperial Training Academy, (more commonly known as boot camp), is located on the planet of Carida. Every Imperial officer (including myself,) has passed through the walls of that facility. Even though I learned many useful things at boot camp, it was still a complete hell for my fellow cadets and me.

Though Carida was a nice planet, cadets were never encouraged to look at its scenery; on the contrary, we were too busy trying to stay alive.

As part of our training, we were required to take part in what were called "war games." These games ware designed to simulate an actual battle, and did an incredibly good job at it. The weapons used were supposed to be loaded with training lasers, but occasionally the laser would be all too real, and one poor cadet would end up killing twenty of his fellow classmates be fore he realized what he was doing. Of course, these "incidents" were always covered cunningly, blaming the accident on equipment malfunction. Not that I am in any way blaming the Empire or the Emperor, of course.

Anyways. Apart from the dangers of being accidentally killed by a classmate, the planet itself must be taken into consideration. As I have stated above, Carida was a fairly scenic planet, and to me, who had grown up on Axxila, it looked like paradise. That was before the ship had landed, of course. That gravity of Carida is called "strong" by encyclopedias, but one does not fully appreciate the concept of "strong" gravity until one has set foot inside the atmosphere. Walking on Carida was akin to walking with a fifteen-pound sack of rocks strapped to you at all times. It hurt to _breathe_ on that cursed planet.

The first few days on the planet were mostly spent adapting to this new and brutal environment. The Academy's gravity itself was artificially lowered, not to the standard level, but a half step down from the Caridan normal. You would still ache.

Looking back, I have no idea how I survived. But I know that the training I received there was extremely helpful in my career as an Imperial officer.

That doesn't stop the fact that the four years I spent there were completely and utterly miserable, though. Oh well, all in a days work for the Empire, right?

-- Admiral Firmus Piett

Minions are annoying little creatures (sometimes in a literal sense; see the dancing and singing bugs in 'Anastasia'). You can't become powerful and feared without them, but you always have to watch them to make sure they aren't plotting betrayal, desertion, etc. Generally, you want your minions to be stupid so they can't scrape up enough intelligence to overthrow you. But if they're really dumb, they'll blow everything at a delicate moment. You need to find a perfect balance.

A good combination is to train your minions to be skilled in battle, but not in the 'academic' fields: i.e., plotting, thinking for themselves, communication (see Frankenstein's Monster), etc. A well-known example of good minions is the clone-troopers of the Galactic Empire, a dictatorship expertly run by Emperor Palpatine (also known as Darth Sidious) and Darth Vader. The clone-troopers were very competent in battle, but could not think for themselves outside of fighting. They didn't question their commanders. They could be ordered to guard a Jedi, and then be ordered to kill him / her (see Order 66). They would do this unquestioningly. This was the Perfect Soldier.

Unfortunately for the Empire, the clone-troopers (AKA the storm-troopers) slowly began to lose what little intelligence they had. By the time Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Chewbacca, and Obi-Wan Kenobi left Tatooine, the troopers had become so stupid that they could not arrest an old man and a farm-boy riding a speeder that was almost falling apart (see the first Quote of the Day).

But it got worse for the Empire. When the old fogey and the kid teamed up with an overly-cocky pilot with a suspiciously American attitude and a big hairy thing, they somehow managed to illegally escape a heavily guarded area in a piece of flying crud. Imperial pilots, who were also clone-troopers, started to chase after them. They were defeated very quickly, even though the pilot of the ship they were chasing (the Decade Gooney-Bird) was being annoyed every two seconds by Skywalker, who was doing a Farmboy-in-Space routine (i.e.; "But how does that work? What does that button do? I'm gonna push that button! What just happened? What's that alarm? Oh, look! What's that light from the room above the engine? Is that fire? Wow!"). This is the _essence_ of pathetic.

As if that wasn't enough, the Empire made the mistake of making the troopers clones of an extremely clumsy man. Skilled, competent, ruthless, yes. But extremely clumsy. That was the Empire's downfall. Because of that one decision, Stormtroopers are thought of with contempt and disdain among heroes everywhere. These troopers could have been the meaning of fear, and they almost were. But banging your head on the top of the doorframe does not exactly strike terror into the hearts of your enemies. Unfortunately, that is exactly what several Stormtroopers did (not to mention accidentally hitting themselves in the head with their fist while marching, tripping and toppling everyone over like dominoes during parades, and sneezing inside their helmets at critical moments).

So your program must be rigorous, strict, and unwavering. No mollycoddling. No breaks. No extra desserts. Better yet, no desserts at all. And none of those exercise sets that look like playgrounds. These minions need to be worried about battle, not who can go the farthest on the monkey bars.

Make them get up in the dead of night without warning and swim in the freezing cold lake. Make them practice hand-to-hand combat with each other every day. Make them jog for hours in a swamp with small --but surprisingly heavy--, backwards-talking aliens on their shoulders (do _not_ allow them to liken this particular exercise in _any_ way with Luke Skywalker's training with Jedi Master Yoda).

But don't sit back and relax once you have a good training program going (you shouldn't be sitting back and relaxing at all. Putting your feet up on the desk does not command respect or fear). It will crumble if you don't maintain it. Make sure you have the proper staff: you need to hire heartless drill sergeants, frosty overseers, sadistic lunch ladies, etc.

Once you make sure that your training program is in good hands, you need to make sure that the fully-trained minions are doing their job. Don't let them slack off. Give out harsh punishments—but to keep morale high, give out good rewards. Hand out promotions freely. But try not to have a 'Death Rank,' such as Admiral in the Imperial Navy, where there is a particularly ruthless commanding officer. If you have a Death Rank, your minions won't want to be promoted, and subsequently will do a bad job on purpose.

So when it comes to training minions, watch out, otherwise the balance between not questioning orders and the ability to actually think will be tipped, and your plans for domination will go down the drain (see the Galactic Empire, the Orc Armies of Middle-Earth, etc.).

**Quotes of the Day:**

Stormtrooper: Let me see your identification.

Kenobi: You don't need to see his identification.

Stormtrooper: We don't need to see his identification.

Kenobi: These aren't the droids you're looking for.

Stormtrooper: These aren't the droids we're looking for.

Kenobi: He can go about his business.

Stormtrooper: You can go about your business.

Kenobi: Move along.

Stormtrooper: Move along... move along…

-Obi-Wan Kenobi controlling a Storm-trooper's sad little mind

_A group of Stormtroopers are chasing Han Solo and his Wookie down a corridor_

Stormtrooper: Close the blast doors!  
_The doors shuts just after Solo and the Wookie run through it, locking the Stormtroopers out_

Stormtrooper: Open the blast doors! Open the blast doors!

-Again: the essence of pathetic.


	5. Controlling Your Minions

Disclaimer: We own nothing.

A/N: Since Spring Break is about to start, Sarah has left to go on a skiing trip. –is jealous- So I'm writing the foreword. If it really sucks, she'll rewrite it when she gets back. Hopefully I'll be able to do OK. I guess I should count myself lucky, because Vader is one of the few villains that I like (the others being Lucius Malfoy from Harry Potter, because he's cool, Cassius from Julius Caesar, because he's like Lucius, Plubius from Julius Caesar because he has an awesome name, and Ji Indur from LOTR because he has a SUPER awesome name).

Chapter Five: Controlling Your Minions (Foreword by Darth Vader)

My master, may he never die of extreme old age, believes in patience. I do not. Patience allows officers to become lax, therefore putting your entire mission in danger through negligence. If an officer is incompetent or disrespectful, even if it is his first time, he must be seriously punished or killed.

As a method of torture or murder, I personally prefer the Force-choke. It is a low-energy way to strike terror into not only the heart of the victim, but those around him. It also has a nice dramatic effect when the victim crumples to the ground, either blue-faced, purple-faced, or dead, depending on my mood and the gravity of his mistake. I enjoy watching the shocked and terrified looks of the surrounding crowd, and the way they scatter if I so much as flick a piece of lint off of my robe in their direction.

However, there are some minions that you should not even bother to destroy. For example, if I punished every storm-trooper that made a mistake, the entire clone army would be gone. Within a month. And a short month, such as February. So I believe in killing or torturing a select few, which then keeps everyone else in line by fear (this also works well on the entire galaxy—see the Death Star and Alderaan).

Terrorizing the crew also serves a double purpose by keeping me from going insane. Have you ever been on the _same boring ship_, with the _same incompetent officers, _and the _same impudent droids_, and the _same fool storm-troopers_, and the _same malfunctioning controls_, and the _same reckless rebels, _for _weeks_ at a time? If I didn't kill an Admiral a week, I don't know what I would do.

- Darth Vader

It is not possible to overstress the importance of the fine balance involved in keeping minions happy. And we're not over-exaggerating. If the Orcs had been treated better, then Lord Sauron would have had a shot at Middle Earth. If Lord Voldemort didn't torture or kill people at his every whim, his followers wouldn't actually _flee_ to Azkaban prison and be _happy_ to stay there, just to get away from him (see Lucius Malfoy, etc.). _We must stress this: minions are essential, but an unhappy minion is worse than no minion at all._

So here are some suggestions on how to keep them happy:

Don't torture / kill your own minions.

Don't (as we have mentioned before) call them minions—'followers' is much more appropriate.

If you notice your minions becoming depressed, find out why.

If they are depressed because of your location (i.e.; bat-caves, grottos, small ditches by the side of the road, etc.), try to either make your lair more livable (but do not, under _any _circumstances, turn to Martha Stewart), or you could move.

If they are depressed because you have killed / forced them to kill family members or friends, constantly remind them that they're better off without them.

If that doesn't work, put them out of their misery, and make sure that your other minions understand that this case is a rare exception, and that you normally abide by rule # 1. And if you don't understand what 'putting someone out of their misery' means, then you are unfit to be a villain.

If people are _really_ depressed, hold morale boosters such as torturing competitions, suggest hobbies to a particularly unhappy minion, or encourage them to learn a new and useful skill. A good skill could be archery, for your more medieval villains (see Morgan le Fey), shooting, for more modern ones (see Storm-troopers), or torturing spells / incantations (see Lord Voldemort). Anyone that tries to start knitting should be shot without trial. Not that you should be doing trials in the first place. You're running a dictatorship, not a democracy, for Lucifer's sake.

So as long as you follow those simple rules, your minions will usually be happy. However, there are always those hard-to-please ones. They tend to be more trouble than they're worth, but there are _always_ exceptions. For example, you may have an extremely useful minion that absolutely refuses to eat anything but Peeps, the small, yellow, and despicably cute marshmallow birds. Although normally you would kill this minion without thinking, we ask you to reconsider. If that minion is a good one, don't destroy him / her / it just because he / she / it has strange dietary tendencies. Don't get us wrong—we're not preaching forgiveness or something. We don't preach anything. The very word 'preach' makes us nauseous. But anyways, don't kill your minion. Try to talk to him / her / it. Expand his / her / its horizons. But don't make the change sudden. Don't make the minion go straight from marshmallow birds to raw human flesh. Start them off with chicken. Then raw chicken (beware of disease). Then chicken blood. And so on.

But we've gotten off track. To control your minions, you need to inspire several things in them, which we have listed in order of importance:

Loyalty to you and your cause

Fear

Competence

Respect

Efficiency

Sometimes, you may _think _you inspire these things in minions, but you actually don't. Here are some tell-tale signs of disrespect, informality, or plots of rebellion:

**Scenario One:**

YOU: _Walk purposefully and ominously towards a pair of minions who are playing checkers. _What do you think you are doing?

MINION ONE: Oh, hey! Ya wanna play checkers? _Elbows partner and winks._

MINION TWO: Yeah, it's a great game! _Patronizingly. _We can teach you how to play, if you want. Just don't get all upset if you lose, OK?

This is a sign of informality. A good punishment for these minions would be a four-month-long training session of Karate, which teaches discipline and respect for superiors. It would also train them to defend themselves without weapons, a skill they will be glad to have. Especially when, after that four-month-long session, you force them to fight, unarmed, with every single minion in your lair, including the large inhuman ones.

**Scenario Two:**

YOU: _Stand with your back to your minions, looking contemplatively at something (i.e.; out of the window of your star-destroyer to the huge battlestation you are building, into a large pool that reflects the future on its surface, at the large pile of scrambled eggs the dog is devouring, etc.)._

MINION: What an idiot.

This shows contempt and disrespect. A good punishment would be public humiliation, such as making him / her / it appear like a fool to the people he / she / it hates (i.e.; for a Death Eater: Muggles; for an evil pet: adorable singing woodland creatures with high-pitched voices, for a shortish minion, Santa's elves or the munchkins from Oz, etc.). Make sure your other minions understand why you are giving that punishment, and that it will happen to anyone who makes the same mistake. Then laugh ominously (see chapter two).

**Scenario Three:**

YOU: _Using your evil powers of doom to listen in on some minions' conversation_

MINION ONE: Being a minion sucks.

MINION TWO: Let's kill our master.

MINION ONE: Good idea.

_The minions shake hands._

This scenario shows plots of rebellion. A good punishment would be death.

But remember, don't always rely on killing or torture as a punishment. Your minions will become rebellious, and turn against you. And whatever you do, _never _exile a minion. He / she / it will be able to plot treason from afar, away from your watchful eye and ready weapon. Keep your 'friends' (AKA, the people that you 'trust,' AKA, the people that you _pretend _to 'trust,' which is a word that should not even be in your vocabulary. For example, if someone ever says, in one of those Dramatic Moments where you're hanging off a cliff or hanging board or some such object—see National Treasure—, being kept from death only by someone holding onto your hand / tentacle / toe, and they say, 'Do you trust me,' you should say 'Trust? What is this _trust _you speak of?') close, but keep your enemies-that-are-really-your-minions-but-they're-plotting-betrayal closer.

**Quotes of the Day:**

DARTH VADER: Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force.

ANNOYING MINION: Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader.  
Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen

data tapes, or given you clairvoyance enough to find the Rebel's hidden fort—

_Is Force-choked by Darth Vader_

Ack! Aaagh! Bleargh…

--------------------

DARTH VADER: _Angrily._ The Rebels are alerted to our presence. Admiral Ozzel came out of light-speed too close to the system.

VEERS: He felt surprise was wiser...

DARTH VADER: He is as clumsy as he is stupid. General, prepare your troops for a surface attack.

VEERS: Yes, my lord.

Veers leaves. Vader activates the view-screen, and Admiral Ozzel appears on it. Piett.

ADMIRAL OZZEL: Lord Vader, the fleet has moved out of light-speed, and we're  
preparing to—

_Is Force-choked by Darth Vader_

Ack! Aaagh! Bleargh…

----------

DARTH VADER: Apology accepted, Captain Needa.

CAPTAIN NEEDA: _Is Force-choked by Darth Vader_

Ack! Aaagh! Bleargh…


	6. Outfitting Your Minions

Disclaimer: We own nothing.

Authors' Note: Yes, we do realize that we are being horrible to Narcissa's character in this chapter but we couldn't help it. We know she's deeper than this. We know she's probably not obsessed with fashion. We know that she has feelings and thoughts and worries and fears and she loves her son and husband and wants them to be safe and that she isn't so shallow as to go happily writing about dresses and clothing and fashion while her husband is locked up in Azkaban and her son is a Death Eater running for his life as a fugitive from the Ministry. …But this is a humor fic, so to heck with all that.

Anyways, sorry for the severe lack of updates. I know it's summer but I have summer school, which sucks, and Sarah will be going on a trip soon. ):

And speaking of Sarah, _she _has not been doing her job, so I shall be writing several of the forewords. I apologize in advance for their terribleness, and yes, I did go a bit overboard on this one.

Chapter Six: Outfitting Your Minions (foreword by Narcissa Malfoy) 

Black is _back_, darlings! Of course, black was never really _quite_ gone in our circle, but it did have quite a spat I'm sure you remember where it was almost _completely_ replaced by red. Of course some poor fools thought that _purple _was the new black, and of course we know how _that _turned out. But don't get me wrong, darlings, red is still _quite_ a good colour. A design on the sleeve edges in red is _quite _a nice touch for your higher-up followers, although make the design something intimidating, darling; no flowers.

Now of course we all know that _shoes_ are the hardest. You _can't_ send your people traipsing about in high heels, unless of course it's part of their disguise. But _I've_ always thought, and I'm _sure_ you agree, that those traveling boots are _ever_ so unbecoming for the female members of the party. By all means let the _men_ wear them, but we ladies like a bit of _style_, as it were. I've come up with what I think is quite a brilliant little plan, and very simple too, darling. All you have to do is line the inside with some fur—which of course kills two phoenix with one curse by keeping the feet warm—and make sure it's _good _fur, darling, because believe you me, we _ladies_ can tell the difference between Hippogriff and Unicorn. Then depending on the lady, you may want to make a little design along the top edge of the boot (and of course the top _must_ be flared, it _is_ the latest trend). I say depending on the lady because of course I would love to have maybe a simple Devil's Snare design along the edge of _my _boots, but my dear sister Bellatrix would of _course_ object to anything so weak—in her opinion—as a _vine_, and would _much_ rather have snakes. Of course all these designs needn't all be in red; you may have a color that you prefer. Of course the Dark Lord does have a liking for green and silver obviously, but you may want a nice deep blue—but of course that won't show up well on the black—or a gold, but Grindelwald _forbid_ you have a liking for _pink_ (of course I do _adore_ pink but I can't wear it _nearly_ as much as I'd like, being married to my husband, who _is_ one of the followers of the Dark Lord. Unfortunately pink has _no_ place in our circle). So remember darlings, even though black _is_ back, you do want to spice it up a bit!

Narcissa Malfoy

Although it may not seem like it, outfitting minions is an extremely tricky thing to do. Many villains have underestimated it, and have not bothered to take the time to do it correctly. However, outfits and uniforms are how your subjects, enemies, and victims will think of you. You need something that is intimidating and easily recognizable. But you have to make sure not to go overboard. A good uniform must be practical. For your convenience, we have made a list of what not to do.

**Do Not Do:**

long robes or capes that are easily caught in or on doors, windows, levers, etc. (see Syndrome)

Heavy armor that is hard to walk in

Awkward clothing in general that hinders your abilities to do things in general

tall hats that look like dunce caps or KKK uniforms that can bang against the top of doorframes and give you away at crucial moments and that make you look foolish anyway (see Death Eaters)

**Under No Circumstances Whatsoever Do:**

Pink

Frills / lace

Bunnies, butterflies, flowers, squirrels, musical notes, etc.

'Smiley' faces

My Little Pony

Cross-dressing

Basically, what you want is something that is practical but intimidating, evil yet not over-done. An excellent example of the perfect minion outfit is the storm-trooper's uniform. A storm-trooper wears armor that is not black, an unusual but useful strategy; white does not absorb as much sunlight as black, and therefore the storm-troopers did not fry as they fought. The armor is also lightweight but durable. And the storm-trooper carries no unnecessary items: his inventory is made up of only essentials such as a blaster, medical kit, disposable _and_ environmentally friendly (a very important feature when it comes to fanatic members of the Green Party) diapers, etc.

Unfortunately, several Dark Lords and Ladies, while brilliant in strategy and warfare, have made disastrous mistakes in the office of uniforms. One example is Lord Voldemort, also known as He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, You-Know-Who, The Man Who Let the Boy Live, and the Dark Lord (we will not be calling him that, because in the context of this book we will make several references to many Dark Lords, and, much as all of them would like it, they are not the only ones of their kind. There is a Dark Lord or Lady in every galaxy, dimension, world, story, neighborhood, etc., and it would be too confusing if we called them all The Dark Lord / Lady.). Anyways, Lord Voldemort is a brilliant and slightly insane (always a good combination) tyrant. He had everything: the laugh, the totally evil reputation of doom, the fanatically faithful followers (say _that _ten times fast), the power, the money… everything. But he blew it. Big time. His highest-ranking followers, the Death Eaters (not a name to be taken literally, especially because Lord Voldemort is a tad obsessed with immortality), who should have had the most intimidating uniforms that strike fear into the heart of every innocent bystander, wore pointy hats. _Pointy hats. _Pointy, tall hats, reminiscent of dunce caps. These hats break almost every rule we have set down previously in this chapter:

They bang easily against the top of doors to give you away

They scrape against the ceiling in low-roofed houses

They are awkward

They are tall hats that look like dunce caps or KKK uniforms that can bang against the top of doorframes and give you away at crucial moments and look foolish

However, as we have heard from an inside source who wished to remain anonymous, these hats are quite useful for storage¹. But this does not make up for the total indignity any respectable evil person would feel when wearing it. We strongly suggest that Lord Voldemort re-design his Death Eaters' uniforms, and we beg anyone who tells him this not to inform him that it was us that said it. And if you do, make sure you mention U-No-Poo while you're at it, so that his wrath will be directed towards the Weasley twins, and not the authors of this _extremely_ helpful guide.

**Quote of the Day:**

Eeeheeheeheeheeheehee! Hats! ¹¹

-Sarah Douglas, Dark Lady – in – training and co-author of this guide.

¹ go to http/acciobrain. quote is taken out of context, and the authors would like to assure you that the person quoted is not insane. At least not very.


	7. Your Evil Theme Song

Disclaimer: We own nothing.

A/N: Sarah is now on her trip, so I will be writing the forewords for a while. And FYI, Cruella's foreword is the next chapter. I know you've been waiting for some Disney villains...

Chapter Seven: Your Evil Theme Song (Foreword by Erik, the Phantom of the Opera)

Adagio… Allargando…. Crescendo… FORTISSIMO! PESANTE! PRESTO! STRINGENDO! VIVACE! Decrescendo… Diminuendo… Espressivo! Andante… Assai Presto… FORTISSIMO! FORTISSIMO! FORTISSIMO! Decrescendo… Meno mosso… Accelerando, Allargando, Allegro, DA CAPO! FORTISSIMO! FORTISSIMO! CHRISTINE! FORTISSIMO! Grave… Morendo… FORTISSIMO! Poco a poco… Affrettando, Allegro, Brio, FORTISSIMOOOOOOOOO!

Finé.

-Erik

While a theme song is not essential, it is still important. If you are an evil emperor, empress, or dictator, your trumpeters / heralds / rappers will need to perform your theme song at every major event you go to. For example, the president of the United States has 'Hail to the Chief.' The Queen or King of England has 'God Save the Queen / King'. And so on. Most leaders have their own theme song (although they don't usually call it that). And if you look at 'Hail to the Chief' or 'God Save the Queen', you will see that they are both relatively short, simple songs. They set an excellent example. You're theme song needs to be simple, short, and have a mood to it that is easily recognizable and slightly intimidating. If possible, it should be catchy, but not the kind of stuck-in-your-head-humming-it-as-you-walk-down-the-street-in-a-good-mood kind of catchy.

Unfortunately, neither 'God Save the Queen' or 'Hail to the Chief' have quite the mood that you will want in your theme song. However, the Imperial March is a perfect model. It is relatively short, very memorable, has the right mood to it, and, most importantly, _has no words. Never_give your theme song words, unless it is in some Dark Tongue that no one but you and your elite know and is similar to some kind of evil incantation. Here are some examples of how badly you can mutilate a song:

Example One: Imperial March.

Status: Model Theme Song

If words are added:

_The Emperor i-i-is co-o-ming.  
The Emperor i-i-is co-o-ming.  
If you are not  
Do-o-o-o-ing your job  
Then you shou-ou-ould start now  
o-or else you will die._

New Status: Absolutely Dreadful

Example Two: Hawaii 5-O

Status: Excellent Instrumental

If words are added:

_Ha-ah-ah-ah-waiii-iii  
Is the place to beeeee  
Ha-ah-ah-ah-waiii-iii  
Is the place to beeeeeee  
You-ou-ou should really go there  
I-i-i-it's so much fun  
Ha-ah-ah-ah-waii-iii  
Is the place to beeeee._

New Status: Brain-meltingly Awful

Example Three: Beethoven's Fifth

Status: Inspiringly Evil-Sounding Symphony

If words are added:

_This cool theme sooooong  
Means I'm eviiiiil_

New Status: Kill Me Now

So here is an overview of the basic rules:

-Keep it short and simple (no more than three kinds of instruments)

-Don't add words (unless in Black Speech or some such language)

-Don't add sound effects (i.e.; explosions, screams, wind, giggles etc.)

-Try to keep it in the lower range (high notes should be used sparingly)

-Keep the right mood (intimidating)

_  
-Under no circumstances _should you take the tune of your song from a popular TV show or movie, and _under no circumstances _should you have the latest pop band perform it in concert. Can you imagine N'Sync playing the Imperial March?

**Quote of the Day:**

"Start at the beginning of the over-sung pop ballad—I mean, at the beginning of the aria."

--Conductor no one can remember the name of ¹

¹From _Phantom of the Opera_. And the quote is from the parody of it; the _15-Minute _Phantom of the Opera.


End file.
